Issues, issues, issues...

So, I have issues. Quite a few of them really. Control issues, denial issues, father issues, self-esteem issues, avoidance behavior, passive aggressive behavior, submissive tendencies, etc., etc. You name it, right?

Right now I feel extremely lucky to be in a relationship where I am gently motivated to be the best I can be. I'm not a very good communicator, or very good at relationships in general. My boyfriend, Edgar, has found a way to get me to open up and speak from my heart on the topics that matter in our relationship. I can't express how much I appreciate that, since I can't seem to find a way to do it myself.

If communication is left up to me, more likely than not I will keep it all in until I explode, having, of course, made a couple passive aggressive remarks/comments along the way. I keep it all in for a couple reasons:

1. I hate confrontation.

2. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.

3. It's very easy for me to live in a world of denial, where I can make myself believe that everything is happy and filled with roses.

I realize that this is couldn't be more wrong. Edgar is always completely honest with me, and although it's not always what I want to hear, I always know that when he says something, he means it. And when I am given the opportunity for open, honest communication, I am better able to say things in a tactful manner, so that it's more of a discussion instead of an accusation. Edgar gives me that opportunity.

It's just a very adult feeling and I feel like I am learning more. With every positive communication experience I have, I feel myself growing, hopefully into a person that can always speak honestly and from the heart. People appreciate that more - I know I do. The advice I value the most comes from the people in my life that say it straight.

Christopher Walken 2008

So, this is a crazy idea, but this website says that Christopher Walken is running for president:

(Click on the banner above to visit the web site)

I have no idea if it's for real, but I absolutely love the idea!

Viva México Cabrones!!

Troy and I just took a long weekend trip to Mexico City for his birthday, which is the same day as Mexican Independence Day. There was a big party at El Zocalo, which is a large square at the center of La Ciudad de Mexico, Destrito Federal (D.F.). It is the center of government for all of Mexico.

Mexicans came from all over the country to celebrate their independence. I have never seen so much pride in my life. It was a sea of green, white and red (verde, blanco y rojo). Like Troy said, the only time you see pride like that here is at Gay Pride.

I know Americans are proud too, but when I see a gathering full of American flags with everyone wearing red, white and blue, it's actually a little frightening.

Mexicans know that their government is corrupt, and that there are problems with their economy, so it's not their government or their power that is the source of their pride. It's simply a pride in the people that they are. It was an amazing sight, and the air was charged with an incredible feeling of oneness.

I am still processing this trip and I feel like there is so much to say, so I'm sure you'll be hearing more... You can check out all the pictures of our trip here and a short video of the celebration at Zocalo here. Enjoy!

I hate them because I love them so much

I'm trying to quit smoking and I HATE IT!!! I'm so much happier though, in general, when I don't smoke.

Cigarettes are the battle of my life. When I smoke I'm the craziest chainsmoker you'll ever meet. I feel so not in control when it comes to smoking, that I end up feeling like such a slave. I hate cigarettes because I love them so much.

So, it feels like I am constantly quitting, especially lately. I've probably quit six times, at least, in the last three months. I quit once for five years, when I was married, but when we split up I got this crazy idea that went like this: "I'm single - I can do whatever the hell I want!" And there I was - chainsmokin' again.

This time I have a couple people quitting with me, so I'm hoping that will help. ;)

I wish I could find a counter that says "I haven't smoked for __ days." If you see anything like that, please let me know. And wish me luck - I'll need it! ;)

If you love smoking, and don't hate it at all, then by all means enjoy!

Too much fun!

Too much fun with the girls (and guys) on girls night! ;) I'm so happy to have this crew! We've been together for over a decade and it's been such an amazing experience, growing and learning together. ;)

And the partyin' is fun too!

It's just what we need!! ;)

Belt of Venus

I thought this was interesting - I never knew! ;)

The Belt of Venus over Elwood Beach

Credit & Copyright: Russell Cockman

Explanation: Although you've surely seen it, you might not have noticed it. During a cloudless twilight, just before sunrise or after sunset, part of the atmosphere above the horizon appears slightly off-color, slightly pink. Called the Belt of Venus, this off-color band between the dark eclipsed sky and the blue sky can be seen in nearly every direction including that opposite the Sun. Straight above, blue sky is normal sunlight reflecting off the atmosphere. In the Belt of Venus, however, the atmosphere reflects light from the setting (or rising) Sun which appears more red. The Belt of Venus can be seen from any location with a clear horizon. Pictured above, the Belt of Venus was photographed behind Elwood Beach in Melbourne, Australia. The belt is frequently caught by accident in other photographs.

Finally...

The last month (or so) has been crazier than crazy - a rollercoaster ride of emotions. I learned a lot about myself during this time, things I'm sure I've learned before but forgot. Things I've been told before, but didn't quite believe. I learned them so thoroughly this time - more thoroughly than ever before (at least it feels that way now) - that I am hopeful I won't have to learn them again.

Finally I feel relaxed, like everything will be okay. Like I don't have to have my heart tearing out of my chest just to feel like something's happening... I'm finally starting to feel sane.

Spinning out of control...

I have this habit of getting a little self-destructive when things aren't going smoothly in my world. Nothing major, but I just end up making bad decisions. Once I start, I feel like I can't stop. Today I feel like I'm spinning out of control. The downward spiral can be so attractive because it feels so rebellious and on the edge, but I much prefer the stable existence. I hope I get that back soon. In the meantime, don't mind me, I'm just a little crazy...

Going CRAZY!!!

It's really making me over-the-top crazy that my boyfriend is stuck in Mexico, and there is really no certainty about when he will be back. I feel like I need some intimacy, but I'm not ready to give up on him yet. I haven't seen him since March and I am really going insane...

New to this scene....

This blog / MySpace / online journal thing is new to me. Though I've heard of other people doing it for a long time, it never seemed like something I'd do. You know how that goes - so many things are like that until you learn more, and then you finally realize what everyone's been talking about. ;)

I'm so interested in the fact that you can learn so much about people and the ways that they think on this site. I think I'm a little addicted. ;)

Quinlan got me hooked on the band I'm listening to now, Bedouin Soundclash. Try it - I think you'll like it! ;)